At work last night I had a moment of clarity, looked around, and realized how bazaar some of our cultural norms are. We all participate in strange rituals that seem to make no logical sense. Here it is; observations of future civilizations on our extremely nonsensical patterns of behavior.
These observations have been translated from future speak which is, to the surprise of no-one much like the glerp glops first theorized by the brilliant young minds at South Park Studios. Evidence of uncanny premonition can be found here.
Observation 1: Animal Worship
When searching the history database I found millions of videos and photos of what could only be animal deities. These animals seem to be documented in their every move. Many of these videos involve vocalizations. I theorize these are religious doctrine of some kind. Technology has yet to be developed to decipher the strange dialect of these documented creatures. Video references seem to point to the names of these perceived leaders to be “cat,” and, “dog.” Alternative names seem to be, “kitten,” and ,”puppy.” These animals are documented more often than human offspring.
In early documentations, these creatures were placed on pedestals and entertained for hours. In later documentation, these creatures are seen wearing clothing and elaborate costumes (likely for rituals of some kind) and even walking upright. One prolific documentation shows the, “cats” ability to levitate. Humans seem to have provided primitive alter offerings of some kind daily by putting out various foods and beverages for the animalians to enjoy. Many daily behaviors seem centered around the pleasure of these animals, include human time outdoors and human to human interaction. They seem to have been a rapidly evolving species that were highly worshiped by humankind.
Observation 2: Food Worship
Strange rituals around eating seem to have emerged sometime between the first and second millennium. It appears that the emergence of new technologies allowed humans to create greater intricacy in their food practices. It appears as though it was tradition to document a meal before it was to be enjoyed. For some, this became a unique purpose within the community. Documentation shows hours of work crafting beautiful works out of meals, likely to appease the deities. These professionals fawn over food, placing each component carefully as a spectacle for other humans. Alternative theories suggest that food
documentation was one way for communities to exert force over one-another through photographic proofs of unequal resources. Evidence has been found of large metal signs plastered with enlarged images of certain food items. There are many unanswered questions about these oversized productions. They were possibly used in large ritual acts which would require visibility of food images. Some suggest that these marked feeding areas in which humans would gather to mimic the vomitoriums of the ancients.
Observation 3: Paper Trading
One of the most unexplainable shifts in cultural norms appears around the same time as the food worship previously discussed. The trading of colorful paper for goods is well documented, though its reasons remain largely unexplained. Many theorize that, drawing from early Paganism, the people worshiped trees and therefore held its products to be the most highly valued. Colors seem to indicate different social groups, as the paper sheets often contain unique markings, colors, and societal leaders. In its origination, goods or precious metals would be traded to acquire commodities, though slowly there seems to be a shift away from precious metal trading to a purely paper-based economic system. This norm remains so shrouded in mystery due to the seeming abundance of paper and paper-making materials.
Observation 4: Mating Rituals
The mating rituals of the second centurions was extremely intricate and governed by cultural norms. It seems as if males and females would gather in what seem to be mating barns and drink intoxicating liquids. The females wear colorful face paints to better attract a mating ritual. The men appear to do very little to prepare for ritual. After becoming imbibed, documentation shows that the women would commence in elaborate dance circles in which they remove feet and hair adornments. Once the females commence in
this circle dance (composed largely of hip gyration) men gather in the periphery, where they select the female that has the most rapid and intricate hip gyration. He approaches her and begins to move his body in rhythm with hers. The female either accepts and reciprocates, or rejects the man. If these females are not selected from the circle, they return to one on the imbibing stations to rest and continue to become intoxicated. Here, restrooms seem to be primarily for crying and careful deliberation regarding mate selection.
Do you see this, people! We are so, so, so very strange.
Glerp glarp to you all, and to all a good night.